"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Reggie can tackle my bush.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
