Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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