should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize