I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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