So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
how drunk are you?
Several
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
