just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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