Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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