She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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