I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
