Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
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