my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
