You smell like a Billy Joel song
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
