i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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