I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize