im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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