Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
