Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
