Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
