Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
