I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
