im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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