She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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