I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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