Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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