I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
