Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
