if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
