I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
