Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
My cat gives me a boner
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
