I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
