i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
