while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
