I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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