Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
