peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
