I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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