You're earring is so big in my mouth
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
