You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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