Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
