I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
