dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
