ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
