Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
