My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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