Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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