I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
