just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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