Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Can I color on your dick again?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
