Ambien. No doubt about it.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize