I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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