thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
