i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
