I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
