I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize