I can tuck mytits in my pants
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She's the barista slut.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize