I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I can't put those talents on a resume
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
