I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize