and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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