I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
