my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Little spoons don't ask big questions
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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