Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
