Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
