Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
