I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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