I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
