I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
