Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
